Fifth grade was tough. I was easily the best in English and science and the worst at volleyball. I really wanted Jen S. to be my friend, but when she was busy playing with makeup and talking about boys, and I wanted to play Pogs at recess. She pretended to be my friend sometimes, but I think her intention was to have me help her cheat in class. Rich P. said the meanest stuff to me, almost making it a point to pick on me whenever the teacher wasn't looking. Thinking back, he was probably just saying strings of curse words we all knew were bad, but we didn't know what they meant. I never really figured out why he was such an asshole, or why I was the object of his disdain. I got over the fact that Jen S. was kind of an arrogant bitch. She went to vo-tech and I haven't seen her since the 90s. Rich overdosed on drugs a few years back, I heard. That all doesn't matter now. But in 1995, I didn't have any friends.
Sixth grade sucked, too. It was a new school, the middle school, and I still had the same haircut with the uneven bangs that my mom had given me on the first day of preschool. (Was my mom a sadist?) I was still a straight A student. Heather was my friend, I guess; since our parents got on well, they made sure we spent time together. She always seemed annoyed when I was around, but I considered her my best friend. She considered Carly her best friend, though, which hurt my feelings. I didn't want her to get mad, so I never said anything. I spent the whole year trying to get used to having a locker and looking awkward. I spent the whole summer in my room, reading. Heather lives in Old Bridge with her husband and their rabbits. I haven't spoken to her in years. And in 1996, despite my misguided efforts, I still didn't have any friends.
For the seventh grade, I switched to the school on the bad side of town. I was upset with my parents that I had to change schools, but it was the township's decision to rezone our neighborhood. I wasn't really mad at them; I was fucking terrified. I was still kind of nerdy, but I think the anger and resentment I had towards them (and towards my super-cool, pretty, older sister,) manifested itself as a bit of an edge, and suddenly I felt a little bit cool. I made friends right away at my new middle school. Dassia was a moody goth, and Charissa was a little firecracker of a punk rocker. They were weird; I fit in. I grew out my bangs, started wearing ripped jeans, and went to all the punk shows. Charissa and I would sneak out, telling our parents that we were at each other's houses, and go to New York City. Fake IDs and short skirts got us into CBGBs, a little flirting with older guys got us booze, and we both weighed about 90 pounds, so one 40oz of Old E got us drunk. Dassia's a raging born again Christian these days, and I haven't talked to her since my early 20s. Charissa is a single mom, still trying to hang on to the lifestyle we had back then. It's 1997, and I have friends, but I'm not playing for keeps just yet. Eighth grade, and 1998, are basically the same as the year before. My memory hardly separates them.
Oh, high school. So, this is when drugs happen. I have ALL OF THE FRIENDS. I am the coolest motherfucker in town. I don't care about anyone else, I'm all about getting high and getting my friends high. I work a crappy office job and pretend that the money I'm making from dealing is from there. I barely go to classes, but still get decent grades because I ace all the tests. I wasted most of high school being wasted. I went to school (at Piscataway) high. I had my first serious boyfriend and eventually dumped him. I ditched my middle school friends for the most part, spending more time with older, cooler kids. I partied with Brad and Cory, smoked bowls behind the school with Jazzy, Ben, Alan and Sue, dropped E with Greg, snorted pills with Mande, dropped acid with Brian and Bert. I'm telling you, I had friends coming out the wazoo. Or, y'know, "friends". Ben disappeared for seven years until his body was found. Jim killed himself in '05 over a girl. Brian's gay, married, a "conceptual" artist, and lives in Bed-Stuy. Jazzy shows up later in this story, you'll see. The rest of those people? Most of them have kids and lives, if they lived through all the shit we did back then. I don't even know where to start. That should cover 1999-2003.
After high school, I moved to Pennsylvania, kicked the drugs, squatted in random apartments with two guys I hardly knew, and managed to make friends despite crippling depression. I lived there for three years. Getting off the drugs and being a bitch made 2003-2006 pretty difficult. I lived in the boonies. I couldn't stand it there for long, so I didn't make real friendships. Of the people I knew, Jer actually killed himself last Friday. I still talk to Neal sometimes. I don't know how to even find the rest of them.
I moved back to Jersey. I started drinking heavily and drugs crept back in. I got married to TJ in 2006; we met at a pig roast held by mutual friends and got married two months later because it seemed like a good idea at the time. We were mostly drunk. We separated in 2008 after he had a drunken night with Jazzy resulting in two people who weren't supposed to be naked together. All of our friends were mutual friends. I kept all the friends, except for my sister and brother-in-law, who TJ somehow won in the divorce. He also kept our dogs. Ain't that some shit.
Fast forward to now, 2011. TJ and I are divorced, and I'm friends with Jazzy again. I'm engaged to a lovely man who doesn't want to sleep with my friends. His name is Kirk. I'll keep him. He makes me a bagged lunch for school every day, for christ's sake. We watch zombie movies together and he loves my cooking. Life's pretty good.
So, why am I telling you all of this? It took me 26.5 years to learn what friends really are, why we have them, where they come from, and why I need them. I spent all that time hanging with all those people, doing all those things that weren't good for me, and trying to be cool. I was wasting my time, on all fronts. I'm actually still not cool, which is so unfortunate (haha). For a long time, I think I subconsciously equated doing drugs to having friends. It wasn't healthy, and it didn't help me to gain many lasting or meaningful friendships. It took me a way too long to realize that doing drugs didn't help me gain friends - it helped me to be a person who was pushing anyone who could potentially be a good friend away, while surrounding myself with careless people.
Most of the friends I've made weren't meant to be my friends for life, and I know that now. Movies and TV make it seem like everyone lucks out - you meet some kids in the sandbox and you're never alone again. It doesn't happen that way for real. Some friends, I had just for a while and they served their purpose then. Some were never friends at all - and I'd like to play the victim and say I'd been had...I'd been used, I'd been discarded, I'd been ignored. It didn't always happen that way, 'cause I was at fault sometimes, too. Sometimes, we all have our own agendas and we thrive on our own bad ideas and bad intentions. We learn from each other and we learn from our mistakes. That's what friends are for, whether you keep them or not. A lot of my friends are dead now, and I wonder if I'd still know them if they were alive. A lot of my friends moved away, started their own lives, do their own thing, and they're gone. Sometimes, I miss them. I wonder if they miss me, too.
I don't live with regret, though. My first marriage probably sounds awful, doesn't it? I'm so glad that happened. TJ and I weren't meant to be together, really. But, I learned a lot about love, about life, about relationships, and about the world by being married and by hating marriage and by living with a crust punk with his head up his ass. He has a beautiful daughter with his second wife. Her name is Grace. Bless them. Having the experience made me a better person, and it made me appreciate what I have.
For the first time in my life, I live a healthy life. I have a healthy relationship, I've been clean since 2008, and I only drink every now and then. I am getting my education, doing my thing, and really living. I have my friends to thank for that. I learned from my mistakes, and theirs. I learned that people can be total dicks, but I've also learned that they can be earnest, honest, forgiving, and wise. I learned that some people are just out there to hurt others, whether for their personal gain or because they don't know any better. I learned who I can trust; I learned how to trust. I learned what I want to be and don't want to be; I learned who I was and who I wanted to be. I learned how to love...learned who deserved my love. Even if they didn't stay around long, my friends taught me about myself, about society, about culture, about living. Many of them weren't real friends, but then, I probably didn't need them to be.
Alright. I enjoyed reading your piece and about the changes you’ve gone through in your life. You bring up a fantastic point about friends sometimes being temporary, and that that’s okay.
ReplyDeleteSome specifics, since you asked:
- First paragraph, the second sentence is somehow not flowing quite right. Perhaps try: “My best subjects were English and Science, and my worst was Volleyball.”
- The first part of paragraph three, you’re trying to build the idea that you were angry at your parents. Try reworking those sentences a little bit; I felt like you were building but interrupted yourself with the info about the zoning and that you were still nerdy. The info itself is good to include, it’s just the flow.
- You have a very short paragraph for 2011. I’d love to hear a little more about life now, how it’s positive opposed to the negative. Specifically, more about other friends you may have now (to continue the theme). That will give the reader more of an emotional sense of conclusion. (We want to know that you’re happy now. Atleast, I really hope you are. :) )
The whole thing stands well as a piece you could share next Thursday. (Or if you need to shorten it for time I’d stop after paragraph 8). I don’t know what you feel comfortable sharing publicly, I’m too quiet to compare). That’s totally up to you and how you feel about it.
Very good, thank you